So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
