So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
