listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
