...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
