News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
