There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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