we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
