i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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