Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
