Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
