Well douche your snatch and let's go!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
