my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
