I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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