I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize