I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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