His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
