I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
