I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
