as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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