I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
