I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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