Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
