I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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