You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
