I am spending my child support on dildos
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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