hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
