your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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