I seem to have left my pride at pride
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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