Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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