Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
