The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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