Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
