Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
