i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My ass is underappreciated
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
