a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
