I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
