he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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