then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You're so nebulous sometimes
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
