i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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