I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize