I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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