She's JV to your varsity
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
