I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
