i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
