new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
