I am midnight drunk by noon
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
