census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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