So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
