Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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