so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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