Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
