I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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