I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
