Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
