I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
