I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Bring me that man meat
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
