I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
