I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
