this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
