I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
